Ben
by natzbadfairy
Summary: Meredith and Derek have to face lifes biggest challenge that no one ever wanted or expected to have to face. they have to help each other but somtimes thats the hardest bit. Very sad fic, please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

-1**This is a really sad fic. Sorry for anyone who wanted Meredith and Derek fluff. Although they are together, major sadness has hit them and it will be obvious from the start. I ask that all readers listen to Eva Cassidy's version of Fields of Gold. **

Meredith stood lifeless in the corridor of the hospital, everyone watching her and Derek as they realised that the biggest part of they're lives had just been taken away from them. Derek shook his head and walked out the corridor, Meredith crumbling to the floor. No one dared go near her, no one having the strength themselves to deal with her. Izzie stood crying into Alex's shoulder, his own tears hitting her back. Christina watched Meredith, Both her and Burke crying silently. George leaned up off the wall, Callie trying to be strong for him, but her own emotions were too much to push down.

'He's…he's not dead…your lying…he's fine…your all lying to me…he's fine,' Meredith curled up, the paediatric surgeon lifting her to her feet. She just crumbled again. Bailey stopped after seeing the sight in front of her and quickly put the dots together. She ran over, kneeled down beside Meredith and held her against her chest; rocking her back and forth. Meredith broke down, her sobs loud, the screams of her sons name seeming to be the only noise in the hospital. Meredith grabbed onto Baileys arm, hoping that the woman she looked up to would tell her that her son was alive and well. But the words never came, only the feeling of emptiness. Mark came from the along the corridor, running towards the exam room. He stopped suddenly as he seen Meredith.

'Where is he?' George went forward, the blood draining away from Marks face as he told him what had happened.

'Meredith,' He lifted her up off the floor and sat her on the bed in the on call room.

'Derek walked away…he just walked away,' Meredith leaned back against the wall, Mark watching her, wiping away the tears that fell down his face, knowing he had to be strong for Meredith and Derek, that his grief could come later. Meredith stood up and walked along to the exam room, no one having moved from outside it. she pushed the doors open and stepped inside, not coming away from the back of the doors. The young boy lay still, his body pale white, his hands and lips cold. Meredith kneeled down next to the bed and gently wiped down his face with the damp cloth. Meredith didn't notice as everyone left from outside the room, her attention solely on Ben. She ran her fingers over his face, her finger getting caught in his hair. Meredith didn't look up as Burke came in and stood at the end of the bed.

'Meredith…Derek is outside,' She put her hand up, silencing Burke. He stepped to the side of the bed, his hand resting on the pale chest.

'the lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. Here me, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me,' Meredith looked at Burke, her mouth half open in shock.

'He's gone Meredith,' Meredith shook her head, not wanting to believe that this was happening. Derek quietly pushed the door open, Burke standing back.

'He's just sleeping Derek…he'll wake up,' Burke left Meredith and Derek alone, each of them by the side of the bed.

'No…he's not sleeping…he's gone…he's really gone,' Derek pulled Meredith away from the side of the bed, Meredith fighting him off. He held her tighter, Meredith refusing to let him go, refusing to acknowledge that her son was gone. Both of them collapsed onto the floor, each of them holding each other and crying with each other.

'I can't lose him…we can't lose him,' No one dared come into the room as they sat in the darkness. Meredith stood up, Derek doing the same.

'We need to say goodbye to him…but I can't Derek…I just can't,'

She lifted the seven year old boy, holding him against her chest.

'you will always be my angel,' Derek choked out a sob as Meredith laid Ben back down onto the bed and turned away, not wanting to see him again. Derek took hold of Ben and lifted him off the bed, cradling him like he would never let him go. Placing him back on the bed he kissed his forehead and ran out the room, Mark seeing him run through the lobby out into the rain. Derek started screaming, Mark grabbing hold of him. Derek pushed him away, Mark still holding on. He collapsed into a heap on the ground like a house being knocked down after the foundations had been ripped out. Derek's foundations had been ripped out, his heart shattered like smashed glass.

'It's ok…it's ok,' Bailey brought Meredith out, Meredith holding onto her like she would die if she didn't hold onto her. she fell to her knees in front of Derek, her hands grabbing onto his face. She took hold of his gaze, both of them realising for the first time that they had both lost the same person and that the only way they could get through this was to be together, no matter how bad it got, they had each other.


	2. Chapter 2

-1Meredith lay curled up on Ben's bed, inhaling the scent off of the duvet cover, trying to get one last piece of him. But no matter how hard she tried it never worked. Bailey seemed to be the only one who could make her leave the bedroom, her not seeming to mind getting the calls at four and five in the morning from Derek asking her to get her out the bedroom. Derek was numb, having shut the pain out. Derek refused to let anyone ask him how he was or if he needed to talk. Talking meant accepting and telling how he was meant having to admit there was something wrong. Meredith had shut down, the only place she seemed to react to being Bens room. Bailey had been her support barrier, picking her off the floor when Derek couldn't anymore. She realised more than anyone else that both of them were broken and for the first time couldn't fix each other and needed some one else to step in. Derek sat at the bottom of the stairs in the house, Meredith's gentle sobbing not making him move at all, the sound becoming part of his daily life. Bailey came in and looked at Derek, gently squeezing his shoulder as she walked past him and went up into the bedroom. She closed the door, Derek never knowing what was being said between the two women. Within five minutes Meredith was out and going into the kitchen. Bailey sat next to Derek on the bottom stair, neither of them saying anything for a while.

'What do you feel like inside?' Derek seemed confused at the question.

'Empty…I feel empty…and lonely,'

'In the kitchen right now, there is a woman who feels the exact same way and I'm betting right now both of you could do with helping each other out,' Derek nodded, Bailey standing at the front door as he walked past her into the kitchen. Meredith looked at him, both of them unsure of what to do or what to say. Derek engulfed her in his arms, the feeling of arms holding Meredith causing her to cry, not sob, but cry. She cried for what they had both lost, what they missed and what they could never get back. Derek didn't want to let her go for fear he would lose her like her had his son but at the same time knew that he couldn't wrap her up in cotton wool for the rest of her life. They worked around each other until the funeral, Meredith existing beside Derek, neither of them having the strength to fully start helping to heal the other. Derek had closed over and locked Ben's bedroom door, Meredith not fighting it knowing that she wasn't going to heal with the door open and that she needed for him to be taken out of her reach, even if it hurt like hell. Derek had been given the option of getting some one else to carry the coffin but this was the one thing that he could do for his son. Meredith stood down at the front of the church, not wanting to walk behind her son as he was taken into the church to be buried. Derek, Mark, Alex and George carried the coffin, Marks arm supporting Derek as the small coffin was placed at the front of the church. He stood detached from Meredith, each of them separate, not wanting each other to feel the way they felt even though deep down they knew they felt the same. Meredith had cried from the moment she had got up the morning of the funeral and hadn't stopped all day.

'The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. Here me, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me,' Meredith let out a large sob before she crumbled to the floor of the church, Derek catching her as she fell. She latched onto him, unable to let him go. From that moment on, neither of them wanted to be alone, or without the other. At the graveside, Meredith was against Derek, her face buried into his jacket. Bailey took Meredith over against her, Derek turning and walking away from the side of the grave, Mark following him. No one stared or even judged him for walking away from the grave and Meredith, each of them fighting their own personal battles to stay too. As the first handful of gravel was thrown in, Meredith became numb, the same way Derek had been. But she didn't answer anyone, not even Bailey anymore. Her soul was gone, her heart broken forever. Derek sat by the side of the lake, everyone that had been at the funeral now in the house. The peace and quiet forced his thoughts to the death of Ben, the other light that had been in his life. The call he had got from the school to say he wasn't well ran through his head. If only he had got to the school sooner, if only he had noticed the fact he had a headache and a fever maybe they would have caught the infection and treated him. Hindsight was a wonderful thing but it was the one thing that was destroying Derek piece by piece.

'I miss him,' Derek turned, Meredith standing behind him, pale and frail. The black polo neck jumper and trousers made her skin pale, the colour making her seem ill, her body looking thinner than it had been in the past. The loss of Ben had destroyed her, Meredith having stopped eating and was causing her to tremble all the time. Derek put his hand out, Meredith's tiny hand fitting into his as he pulled her down. She leaned back against his chest, neither of them moving or bothering about the house full of people. No one went near them, Bailey closing the back door preventing people from going down and saying good bye. They sat out in the darkness together, the feeling of being together taking away the entire emptiness, giving them the hope that even though right now they couldn't see it, there really was a light at the end of the tunnel.

**This fic took a lot of work and would really appreciate any feedback or comments that anybody has on it. thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it, however sad it was. )**


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